The Good Stewards

Been quite a while since I posted anything new but we got a decent clinging snowstorm yesterday and I actually made the effort to find a shot. This farm is a place I have photographed many times over the years but it has new owners now and they have made a lot of improvements to bring this property back to its former glory and have really been incredible stewards of this place. When it was listed for sale, I was hopeful that it would end up with a family that appreciates its unique qualities and I honestly cannot imagine anyone caring more for it then the new owners. From fresh paint, to a new picket fence, to fixing the crumbling stone wall by the red barn, each improvement has been noticed by the dozens of cars that travel the road each day which bisects the main house and the barns. To travel the road today, one would wonder why on earth would they put a road right down the middle of the property, but I imagine back in the good old days this road only saw the occasional horse and buggy.

For folks that follow my work you certainly have heard me mention my depression before and how it has really put the brakes on my photography and many other things I enjoy. I think my medicine plays a big part in not only reigning in my negative thoughts but also hamstringing anything that I enjoy as well. My father passed away a few months ago and despite the fact that I literally only cried once, I seem to be struggling more since then, and coping with things that seem simple to others has become like an anchor around my neck. I constantly go online looking for anything that can help me make sense of why this is so relentless. I understand self diagnosis on the net is not a good thing but I recently took an online test to see if I might be suffering from one of the major recognized afflictions in the DSM handbook. I completed the test and the highest score range was 26-33 labeled as severe, and of course I had a 34 as my result. It was quite eye-opening to see certain behaviors listed and I could say that is me to a T.  While brain chemistry is a huge part of depression, the test talked a lot about things that I could relate too in my childhood and it seems that even though I feel like that’s ancient history, I am starting to wonder if stuff like that just sits in your periphery and gnaws at you in the sneakiest of ways?  I have had days where someone may make a seemingly insignificant comment to me and that leads to this cascade of really intense negative thinking that drives me to the very edge of life itself. Then within a couple of hours or the next day I find myself in a better state of mind and glad that I am still around. I still have a certain amount of guilt for not shooting and posting very often right now but no amount of will power overrides the subconscious thoughts for me. This morning I went back to bed three times in 30 minutes because my brain kept telling me it’s not worth the effort. Well I managed to go out and get a shot so there is a glimmer of hope. I hope those that enjoy my work can read the above and understand why I am so absent here right now. I hope to see an expert sometime soon who hopefully can offer some thoughts and confirm if my self diagnosis is on target or not.

26 responses to “The Good Stewards

  1. I see the beauty of your work and hope that by you still capturing that beauty for all of us will be enough for you to recognize how much your life means. And how worthwhile your life is! Seek someone to recognize your feelings and help you get through them. Some medications can have a reverse effect on different people (and I had found that out years ago.) There is so much more for you to enjoy! And I look forward to enjoying more of your talent.

  2. I’m very sorry about your father Don, mine passed over a decade ago and I don’t think I’ve really dealt with it.

    I did the same thing the past few days: woke up depressed and hopeless, then went back to sleep only to go out as soon as I got up again. I sometimes wonder if I need more sleep?

    One day you will meet the expert and it will be me, we will complain for a while then laugh at the pettiness of our little imaginary problems.

    In exchange you can convince me to use a tripod at all times. 🙂

  3. Great picture,Don,, so glad to hear you are going to see and talk to someone,, you do such a great job with your photography I would miss seeing your work and I am sure a lot of others would too. Hang in there , keep up the good work and spring will certainly make me feel much better and I;m sure it will make your outlook much better too…. this summer was depressing and winter has not helped.. Your neighbor , Rose

  4. Completely understand and am sending love and healing your way. Thank you for sharing not only your art but your mind, feelings and struggles with us out here. It helps us too…

  5. If only artists would love themselves as much as the world loves them.

    Never forget, there is always someone out there who truly cares about you, even if you can’t see them. Know that they are there.

    You are a true artist. I wish you peace.

  6. Thanks for sharing this great shot. You are in our thoughts as you struggle with depression. We pray for peace and a calm spirit.

  7. Please know there are many of us who appreciate your incredible photography. You certainly have an eye for just the right angle and lens. Hope you find someone that can help you with the depression because you give so much joy to others like me.

  8. Your work is so beautiful that whenever you can post we all appreciate it. I hope you can find answers to ease your depression. You deserve all the peace, beauty and serenity your photos give to us.

    • thank you. My view on the future is fairly bleak. One would think I should be looking forward to retiring one day but I always say I will not make it that far and my best days are pretty much behind me at this point.

  9. Thanks again for sharing your labor of love. Praying for deliverance of these demons attacking your mind & emotions. God has a plan & purpose for you, please “keep on, keeping on” & sharing your gifted talent.

  10. Thanks for all the lovely pictures. I hope you feel better everyday. I worry every day about my parents and my son. Cooking makes me happy and I share my good food with others. Smile and laugh every day. I am glad I found your website.

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